I might be in a happy long distance relationship, and not have a problem with being around couples, but I have a growing problem here in London.
The latest trend on the underground is possibly the thing I dread most about my day. It seems I can’t catch a train anywhere, without ending up in a carriage with an overly affectionate couple.
I don’t mind it at the airport, or even at a train station. Maybe they’ve just been reunited after a long time apart, it’s sweet.
But when I’m in a box underground, squashed up against a sweaty businessman and a group of teenagers eating their greasy McDonalds, boiling hot and struggling to find air that hasn’t already circulated through twelve other people’s systems, the last thing I want to see is two people practically fornicating in a seat. I mean honestly, today for example, I spent half an hour on the tube, where my reading was distracted by the moans of a girl two seats down, whose boyfriend was clearly showing her a good time. Why can’t you keep these actions to yourself! I don’t need to see the inside of your mouth, and watch you squeezing anyone else’s appendages. It’s just plain wrong.
Half of what I see people up to on the tube amounts to nothing less than soft porn. It’s quite disturbing to see an eight year old on his Gameboy sat opposite a couple whose hands clearly are not sitting still.
The worst one was when an older couple a few weeks ago were pressed up next to the door off the tube. I literally had to tap Mr Handsy on the shoulder and get him to move. And I wish I hadn’t considering that when he pulled his lips off those he was so animatedly getting to know, I got the pleasure of watching a line of saliva keep the two mouths connected, until it broke seconds later, and plastered itself against his wrinkled face. I don’t think I’ll ever forget the wink he gave me, as he picked up his walking stick and took over my seat with his ‘friend’.
Watch out passengers on the London Underground. The next couple I see are going to have a vial of Herpes poured over their heads.
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