Oh yeah. I'm going there. We're talking about girl stuff.
You know how sometimes when you get your period you just spend the whole week going from "I need to eat everything now" to "WHY DID I HAVE TO BE A GIRL" to "Oh my god this advert for toilet roll is so sad" to "I HATE YOU GET OUT OF MY FACE" to "I want chocolate and nachos and pizza and sushi and Mcdonalds and Jelly Tots" to "OH MY GOD I FEEL SO FAT AND DISGUSTING" to "I'm just going to stay in bed, FOREVER" to "I THINK MY UTERUS IS TRYING TO KILL ME"? Yeah, I'm having one of those weeks.
I think because of that I am incapable of thinking of anything else, so today we're talking top tips for surviving the dreaded time of the month.
1. Succumb. Succumb to it all. Put on your cosiest pyjamas, slap your hair in a messy bun, gather all the food you can find, and binge watch Netflix. Obviously this isn't always a viable option, but if it is, do it. You're allowed to, you're practically bleeding to death.
2. Pull yourself together. If disintegrating into slobbery just isn't an option, then this is what you have to do. Pull on a nice thick pair of leggings, preferably the kind with a giant elasticated waist panel to disguise the post-chocolate-binge-bloat, a nice top, and a big spangly necklace. Apply a high coverage foundation (try Max Factor Face Finity) to disguise any hormonal breakouts, lashings of mascara and a bold lip. Dry shampoo the hell out of your hair and stick it in an 'artful' messy bun. Stick a heat pad on your tummy, knock back some painkillers (I find Ibuprofen Lysine works the best) and grab yourself a giant coffee. YOU CAN DO THIS.
3. Pamper yourself. Run your self a nice hot bath (or better still, get someone else to do it), use your favourite bath product (right now I'm loving a combination of Lush Sunnyside Bubble Bar and Neom Lemon and Basil Bath Oil), stick on a deep cleansing mask (Origins Clear Improvement is a good'un), light your favourite seasonal candle (Diptyque Pomander is my top pick) and relax with a good book/magazine/movie and a big old glass of wine. Hell, just stick a straw in the bottle, nobody can judge you, you're on your period.
4. Tell all your male friends how this is all their fault. Trust me, it'll help you feel better.
5. Make plans for when it's all over. Then you'll have something to look forward to whilst you wallow in the despair of your gender.
I'm leaving it here to go and lie in the bath and eat chocolate. To all you women out there, I salute you. You're all warriors.
What are your top tips for surviving that time of the month?